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1. |
Apple in the Sink
04:02
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Apple in the Sink (5:30am 01/08/2018)
I was in a room….
And I was teaching my son how to do some project with a dead animal.
And someone found out and was really upset with me.
They were like “This kid is fucked up.” But they didn’t say it.
The tone of the room was that I was going to get in big trouble.
So I started cleaning it up real fast
‘cause I knew that they didn’t understand what I was doing,
but it was important for him to learn.
Everybody left
And then this monkey enters the room while I’m cleaning up.
And he’s standing…. he’s like a person monkey.
Then I looked at him and I kind of smiled.
And then he started talking…. I don’t remember what he first said
But as he was talking, he morphed into this weird version of me.
And then I began asking him questions.
And he says, “Is that what you’re gonna do?”
“You’re gonna see a weird monkey version of yourself
and you’re gonna start asking it existential questions?”
“Is that who you are?”
And I said, “Yeah!”
He goes, “Alright, let’s get into this then!”
Right at that instant,
Another version of him pops up, and now there’s two of him.
And he says, “This is gonna be good!”
And it’s me, so there’s 3 of me,
there’s the real me and the 2 other mes.
And they start waking around doing things, while I start off the conversation….
I say,
“Well there was a time when I was gonna kill myself, sure as day…. But just like this apple….
And right then, I push this apple that rolls in a really weird way along the edge of this counter and instead of falling to the floor, it drops into the sink.
Everything stopped.
And all of me stared at myself….
Like a gleaming lightning beam shine-blasting through a prism made of mirrors
“Don’t you see what I just did?
I just said what I always say….
It’s a balancing act.
The apple rolled along the counter and everyone thought it was gonna fall on the floor,
But it didn’t.
By luck,
By some sort of weird universal unbound luck,
It rolled along the counter in the right way and ended up in the sink.”
And some customer over on the side, that was eating at a table said, “Holy shit!”
then he just continued his conversation talking to someone.
Because out of nowhere, there was someone else there now,
who then redirected the conversation back to all of the mes.
And right as we all were just about to dive into this super metaphysical conversation….
I woke up,
And I just realized that….
In my dreams (That I’m not supposed to realize that I’m having)
I’m always engaging in existential information trade with all of my selves.
That I’m really…. really….. deep into this…. existence….
and that it’s part of my life…. to travel to the peripheries of my own consciousness
Really Really…. deep into this.
More so, than anyone I know….
especially myself.
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2. |
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James and the Giant Decision (09/19/2017)
I had my first lucid dream in forever….
I ended up in a building,
I think it was in an abandoned place that I’ve been in before,
But not in this reality, in THAT reality,
And I used to live there but now it’s all wrecked and abandoned,
‘Cause no one lives there anymore.
And I went back there and I was looking through all these rooms,
Maybe I didn’t live there, but someone did, my cousins,
or somebody I knew from another reality,
And I looked around,
And I kept looking though all of the rooms, and drawers and wreckage and things….
And as soon as I was about to go into this one section that I could sense was kind of spooky,
which was like a side door closet type area, James popped out of it!
So, I see James in the In-between and he’s still deciding;
But time doesn’t exist so…. he could be there forever before he comes back, I don’t know.
And he was younger,
Maybe even a little bit younger than when I first met him….
And he seemed alright….
A little weird, so I’m not sure….
I asked him, I said, I THINK I said, “Are things cooler here?”
And he said something like “Yeah, but you still have to face everything.”
Something like that,
And there was this other kid that appeared from out of that side door,
And he kinda looked like James, but he was a little bigger,
And I knew him, But I don’t think I know him from this reality.
I knew him from some other existence, or plane, or whatever….
Maybe he died too, but I knew him somehow.
He didn’t say much. He looked a little more like…. Just…. Well, we didn’t talk.
We were just standing there, and all of a sudden, these 3 kids broke in,
They were like a family of brothers, and they were musicians,
and they put out all these albums about animals, and they were famous.
One of them was Harry,
He replicated into my old friend Harry from West Belmar,
who’s the same age as me in my main dimension.
But here, he had 2 longer brothers, and they were kind of like the Jonas Brothers,
but they were like hard rock or something or whatever,
And we started flying around this city on something, I have no idea what it was,
but it was some that seemed magical.
And then it felt like Kristen was behind me, out of nowhere.
She’s another old grammar school friend from here….
And…. It got a little perverted at one point, but in a jokey way….
As we are flying through this world on, I don’t know if we were flying on an eagle
or what we were flying on.
And we were all kind of laughing and joking….
And….
I think I woke up,
I’m not sure.
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3. |
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Leaving the Scene with My Dad (02/21/2019)
I can’t remember how it started.
But what I do remember is that my father and I were driving….
We pulled out of the driveway of our old house that we lived in on Curtis Avenue when I was young.
He was driving.
And we were in this, I wanna say it was like a brown 80’s Cadillac with one of those cloth hard-top roofs, if that makes any sense….
And he pulled out of the driveway backwards…. it’s a small driveway….
Onto the street and we went down our street east towards Highway 71.
And we’re driving and he just takes off like…. I don’t know…. Like he’s fuckin’ Mr. Cool, like he’s a race car driver….
And we’re in this…. 80’s Cadillac, so it’s like a boat, you know….
And he’s fuckin’ cruising down the street….
And the street is really narrow and people park on both sides which is ridiculous,
‘Cause there’s only enough room for one car to drive comfortably, so when there’s two cars coming from both directions, one car has to pull off to the side and stop to let the other car pass.
This is how the street is…. And…. he’s just fuckin’ truckin’ down the street and we’re getting towards the end….
And I’m saying, “Dad, you gotta slow down!”
’Cause I see a group of people, like three adult people, crossing the road, a guy and two girls or something like that…
And they just got out of a parked car on the right side and they’re sorta talking and not really paying attention as their starting to cross the road to a house on the other side. And there’re cars parked on the other side too.
So there’s really no way to get through. He would have to slow down to a stop to let them pass.
But no.
He decides to go to the far right, around their car that’s parked on the side and drive on the fuckin’ sidewalk to get around them!
And on the other side of the sidewalk, there is a big fence with a pool on the other side. In someone’s yard. So there’s not much space to drive on the sidewalk either…. This is how this area looked in real life too, at least that’s what it looked like 20 years ago.
Anyway…. He’s fuckin’ going for it.
And I say, “Dad, what’re you doing?!”
And he’s just like… I don’t know if he says “Don’t worry” or “Whatever”….
But he tries to go on the sidewalk between that car and the fence….
And he can’t make it, there’s no way, and BOOM!
We hit the fucking car, our car FLIPS towards the Highway…. which is the crossroad that the road we’re on runs into right after that spot where all this happens.
I don’t know what time a day it was…. It felt like day time, but I think it was like 3 in the morning, ‘cause there was no one around.
So he hits this car, we flip…. like you see in the movies….
And we land upside down on our roof and we’re sliding down the road….
And we slide like around the corner…. ‘Cause you can’t go straight at the end of Curtis Avenue (the street we crashed on) you have to go either left or right….
So the car makes a magical right and starts sliding down that way…. and we’re sliding on this roof, far, just sitting upside down in our seats…. I guess we had seat belts on that really worked or something.
And while we’re sliding I’m thinking, “Oh my god, we’re gonna get hit by another car that coming.” or whatever, but in the back of my mind I’m also thinking that “We’re gonna make it, we’re gonna survive.” I always think that. Even in real life when crazy shit happens, I know I’m gonna fuckin’ make it out of this.
And the slide is so long that me and my dad start having this conversation.
And it’s a short conversation, but we’re having a conversation about… like….
I quickly said “What the fuck?… what…. Why did you?…” you know….
But then I quickly abandoned that thought and I was like “Alright so, what are we gonna do when we get outta this?”
I said, “ If there’s not a car coming that’s gonna hit us, then we gotta get out and just GO.”
And he’s like, “We’re not staying’ for the cops…. I can’t.”
And I’m like, “Ok.” ….It’s my dad, and I gotta figure out how to get outta this without doing it legally.
So we finally stop sliding. And we’re in a position to where I can see if there’s any oncoming traffic and there isn’t….
So we crawl out…. he crawls out of his side of the window and I crawl out my side.
And this part is where I don’t really know what the fuck happened….
There was a house on the side of the highway, from like the 70’s, and it had one of those screened-in porches.
And in the main part of the house, it looked like there was someone watching TV, but they couldn’t see us….
And we go inside the screened-in porch, and I’m like, “Alright, we have to get the fuck outta here and hide this car.”
And we’re trying to like, push the car, while it’s upside down, onto the side of the driveway, and not be noticed by the people in this house or anybody else…. And we’re not getting noticed. The people in the house seem oblivious and the highway is desolate.
And we finally do get the car on the side of the driveway…. and then we just walk away, we bolt. We kinda walk quickly away from the scene. We’re not hurt and we just continue to go wherever we were going….
I don’t know were we were going, I can’t remember. Maybe that part wasn’t even made clear, but it felt like it was important.
It might’ve had to do with my mom or something, I don’t know….
But the reason he was driving fast originally, wasn’t because it was an emergency, it was just….
He was just fuckin’ driving like a madman.
You know, like a high school kid that thinks he’s got something to prove to his friends, and I’m like “What the fuck are you doing?”
I don’t know, and that’s really it.
The whole thing of the dream was that….
We got into this car accident.
We slid really far upside down.
We didn’t get hurt.
And that my dad didn’t want to involve the cops. We were just gonna fucking pretend like it didn’t happen.
AND meanwhile, this was all pretty fucked up!
Like, we hit another parked car, I think we took out some street signs and shit while we were sliding….
Like, we were….We fucked shit up!
And we were just leaving the scene of an accident!
And going wherever the hell we were going…. and trying to get away with it.
And as far as I know, we did in dreamland.
I love you dad….
But you gotta chill out in the astral plane, bro.
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4. |
Family Business Trip
04:14
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Family Business Trip (03/02/2018)
That was like a goddamn movie….
There were 3 brothers,
And they were trying to run a business together, and they tried for a long time,
And 2 of the brothers were doing it the way they thought was right,
and the other brother was saying “We shouldn’t be doing this, it’s not working out.”
“It’s not working out.”
Because the money wasn’t good…. Something was off….
And I don’t know if the customers could sense it or if it was something else….
I have no idea, but I think the other brother felt that their business was actually affecting a certain group of people.
Like hurting them morally or ethically, or something…. Like subtly and unintentionally, but….
Something was happening.
And there was a struggle….
And the 2 brothers said “We can do this, we can figure it out.”
The other brother said “No, we can’t.”
And this went on for years….
And throughout the years, their business gradually started picking up.
They bought new furnishings along the way. They really fixed it up, but…. it just….
Something happened,
And I don’t know what exactly happened, but the business….
I don’t know what it was, but it continued to really hurt that group of people, and the people started to figure it out.
And the 2 brothers that always said “We can figure this out” decided, “No we can’t figure this out anymore, it’s over.”
And at that point, the other brother said “No we CAN do this” ‘cause even though it was hurting those people, they started to make a lot of money from it.
So the tables turned, you know.
And the 2 brothers start walking with the other brother….
and as their walking they’re saying, “No, we can’t do it.”
And the other brother’s like, “No, we can, now I know I always used to say we can’t, but we can! We can!”
And they’re walking….
And one of the 2 brothers was like “No, we have had this conversation for 5 years now,” or some shit, I don’t know, I guess it’s been going on for awhile that the tables were turning.
And as they’re having this conversation they’re walking into this new place,
It’s a really nice place…. elegant, strange looking, and you’re starting to notice that, it looks like they’re walking inside of a tube….
Like you could still live in it, like an apartment, but it was shaped like a tube, or whatever,
it was weird.
And as they’re walking the the other brother is pleading that they can make it work,
When all of a sudden the first brother’s says “No, you have 5 seconds to get outta here.”
And then you hear something go off, like an alarm….
And that’s when you realize that, where they had walked too was a like space ship, a rocket ship, like their whole environment warped and morphed from a road into a tube into this rocket ship,
and they all started blasting off into space!
And right as the rocket ship began blasting into space, the other brother jumped out while grabbing the 2nd brother, trying to rip him out of the vessel. Right as I woke up, the first brother exploded off into space, and the other brother fell back to Earth pulling the 2nd brother out of the ship just enough for him to get sucked out completely and stuck in the In-between. I can’t even describe this….
I don’t know if he got stuck there forever or what,
It doesn’t make any sense now at all…. Fuck….
But the message…. The message seemed so clear.
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5. |
Spoon
02:20
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Spoon (05/06/1998)
I was a spoon
No arms, no legs, no mouth, no eyes, no ears, no nothing.
I was just spoon. Suspended wherever, I couldn’t tell.
All I knew was that I was a spoon.
Vibrating at a speed so fast that I was solid matter, and that matter was….
A spoon.
I didn’t picture a spoon in my mind, I just knew that I was a spoon.
Although now, thinking back, I am picturing a spoon. I have too,
But when I WAS a spoon, I just knew that I was a spoon.
I knew I was a steel spoon. That was the vibration, steel, not silver.
I was a stainless steel spoon.
I was just a spoon.
At that moment….
I always was a spoon, and I was always going to be a spoon….
There is nothing but being a spoon when you are a spoon.
It’s a low consciousness, but nonetheless, there is a consciousness.
The consciousness of a spoon.
It will always be a part of me now.
I was a spoon.
I am a spoon.
I am SPOON.
SPOON.
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6. |
Real World Situation
03:29
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Real World Situation (11/29/2017)
I walked into this house,
I guess it was kinda big, kinda nice….
Almost like a “real world” house in California or something,
and there was a bunch of people with me,
I guess they were kids, like my age….
And it seemed like a “real world” situation, you know,
like where you and a bunch of other people live together
and there’s some sort of competition….
Except in this situation, we had the chance of dying.
Like being killed or something,
It was dangerous, and we didn’t know how it might happen, but that was the whole vibe
and part of the deal. It was like a game and we had to NOT die.
I suppose this is what “entertainment” had come too.
And one of the things was that there were these spiders everywhere….
And I didn’t have to worry about it before,
but NOW I did…. or something like that, I don’t know why.
So I see these spiders everywhere and I’m like, Ok, I’m gonna catch ‘em and move’ em….
and BEWARE of them…. because, they were big…. but they weren’t monster big, they were just big October spiders.
And there was another way to die that was stating to present itself, but I don’t remember what it was, I was still getting spiders together and getting them out of there.
Then I noticed that everyone started ending up in the kitchen, talking….
and I saw this one girl that came in and sat down….
And she had like no arm, and half of her shoulder was cut off…
And it wasn’t recent, like it happened a while ago…
It was like one big scarry nub.
And there was a tattoo on her chest, right above her breast,
that was like a really good drawing of her on a boat…. a paddle boat, with some guy.
And someone asked her about it, and she’s telling them,
“Oh, this is my brother, we got into an accident, that’s how I lost my arm and this is to memorialize him.” And she starts getting real emotional, and I’m thinking to myself, “Why the fuck would you get a tattoo OF THE ACCIDENT on your body NEXT TO THE ACCIDENT?”
You know, it’s like…. and I’m thinking in my head, “You don’t want to forget that shit? You want to memorialize that shit? I don’t think you NEED to memorialize that shit, ‘cause you’re missing an arm! That’s shit’s pretty much already memorialized forever….
You’re never gonna forget that, so why….
I don’t know.
It was fucking weird, then I woke up.
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7. |
Broken Sleep
01:13
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8. |
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Quick! Jump! It’s a Stoose! (09/02/1986)
I was at what looked like my house on Curtis Avenue in West Belmar.
I was about 9. I think.
I was at the side door.
Actually, I was in-between the side door and the doorjamb.
Hard to explain, but….
The hinges on the screen door were very very long,
and there was a big space between the screen door and the doorjamb
and I was walking in-between and around the screen door and the doorjamb.
In circles….
My mother grew tired of this and yelled, “In or out!”
So, I jumped off the porch and walked down the back of the driveway towards the backyard.
It was Fall.
A really picturesque Fall day.
The huge Swamp Maple in the back yard was full of orange and yellow leaves,
And they were all over the ground as well. Orange and yellow everywhere.
It was so bright and everything blended together in such a lovely way.
I started to walk out into the yard. Slowly. Taking it all in.
And as I got about a third of the way into the backyard,
I saw my cat Keke sitting towards the back in front of the little white shed.
She’s a calico and was almost completely camouflaged in the leaves.
But she has a bit more black in her and she eventually popped out to me.
She was sitting there looking at something…..
Her tail was moving back and forth in a curious way….
like she was suspicious or nervous about something.
I looked in the direction that she was looking and thats when I saw it.
It was on the left side of the yard halfway between me and Keke.
There was a decent distance between the 3 of us.
It was hard to see at first….
It looked like a stick with legs.
It had a long twig torso with stick tail and a stick neck that went up and split into 2 smaller sticks with eyes on the ends. It had 4 long twig legs coming out of the torso and it stood like a dog would stand. It was about 3 feet long and stood off the ground about a foot and a half. But it’s head went up about another half a foot. I’m trying to explain this as best as I can. Closest thing I would say it resembled was some sort of stick bug. But it was pretty big.
And as soon as I saw it I stopped dead in my tracks,
I got this overwhelming nervous feeling. The fight or flight adrenalin kicked in.
I knew I had to get the cat inside the house.
And all of a sudden I yelled “Quick! Jump! It’s a stoose!”
And me and the cat started hopping all over the yard,
Quick-like. Sped up like the way an old silent film looks, except in bright color.
We never did make it back to the house before I woke up.
And the stoose never moved. I don’t think it was harmful at all.
Looking back on it,
I think it was one of those weird interdimesional beings that cylindrically shoots through dimensions.
Yeah. It was one of those, but at rest.
I don’t know how I knew that it was called a stoose, and I don’t know why I thought we had to jump to get away from it, or why we had to get away form it at all.
But it just came to me.
Maybe they aren’t necessarily harmful on purpose….
But maybe they can accidentally kill you if they get scared and shoot away. Maybe it’s possible they could shoot right through you by accident, and jumping erratically gives you the best chance to be able to dodge it. Because it shoots so fast when it takes off and travels. Like a bullet. And since it flies through dimensions, it goes in whatever direction it needs too, and if you’re in the way….. well, you’re in the way.
I don’t know.
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9. |
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Multidimensional Immaterial Sound Design (09/27/2017)
I was connecting sound…. to letters…. to the sky.
There were these letters, and they felt like they looked like they were made of invisible chiclets.
The letters were on a fence.
And I wasn’t the only one doing it, it was a collaboration.
And the letters were like almost all squares…. and circles.
There were no lines, they were just squares…
But you knew what the word was from the colors, somehow.
It was just squares though….
It was the order of the colors that made it all work.
And maybe one line or something, not much, mostly the squares,
And that was the whole point of it….
Being able to set it up so that people could figure out the word with the least amount of lines.
With just squares and color.
They weren’t illusions but they were.
It’s all set up with a beat that came out of the sky….
(Boom Boom Bap Boom Boom Boom Bap)
(Warm sound with record crackle)
And there was this family that I met while I was waiting for somebody in the parking lot.
And there was a big dog, and I said something like….
“Llama Time!” or “I love Llamas!” or something.
It didn’t make any sense because it was a big dog, not a llama.
It’s really weird
and all that I remember is that it’s strange, but I make sense out of it.
I know that I make sense out of my dreams,
And that I’m doing important work in other realities with music and sound and visuals.
Connecting them all together and making them important.
Making them mean something.
I think my work in other realities is much more important than my work here.
Maybe that’s just me trying to think that.
But it felt important,
like I’m connecting sound with music and visual
in a way that’s much more cohesively crucial and visceral.
It’s so primitive here, It’s so in pieces,
But where I was, was where we all are in the real reality….
where we are ALL connecting it ALL together.
Immaterial. Immaterial music. Immaterial sound.
Not immaterial like irrelevant, but like the opposite of material. Like invisible fabric.
Like whatever spirit is made out of.
And I sew it all together.
Not 3 dimensional, but…
Multidimensional immaterial sound design
That’s my real job.
(laughs)
I’m fucking awesome.
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10. |
The Apocadome
05:27
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The Apocadome (05/11/2019)
I was walking in this like, really elaborate kinda inside/outside mansion with this guy, who I think owned it.
He looked very handsome, tall, tan skin, wearing nice clothes….
And another guy who was friends with him, and I was tagging along with the other guy.
And we were walking through this house and I got this feeling like the handsome guy was a serial killer or something
But I wasn’t sure and I was just kinda going along with the flow….
We walk into this really nice…. like, outside part with these dining tables. It almost looked like a place you would have big fancy evening dinner parties at or even a wedding would be held there or something.
The handsome guy and the other guy go over and put these helmets on….
And I was like ok, I’m gonna bounce…. ‘Cause this looks fucking weird….
I had overheard them talking about some kind of…. I mean, I was included in the conversation too but I was walking a little farther apart from them just ‘cause I was getting a little weary….
And when they started putting on these strange helmets and…. I was like what are you guys doing? I said, “I’m outta here.”
And he’s like “Why?…. Why? Why?
I’m like, “You two are putting on some helmets and I’m not? That’s kind of weird.”
I felt like they had planned to do something devious to me or whatever, but he was like “Here….”
And he threw a helmet at me.
I said, “What is this?”
He said, “Put it on like this.” And he showed me how to put it on.
It was this big gunmetal black helmet with these 2 chin straps hanging from the sides, and you like, pulled each strap under your chin across itself to the other side, and it would slowly suck into your chin and your face. It almost looked like a big motor cycle helmet, but different and more secure.
And the main guy, the handsome guy, said, “This is a temperature control experiment.” And he’s like “This could be instrumental to survival someday, if there was a natural disaster or something crazy that happens.”
And then all of a sudden as he’s saying this…
(And I’m like kinda starting to understand a little bit what it is, it’s like something that freezes everything and preserves everything. And he was only going to do it for a couple of minutes to see if it actually worked, and I’m thinking like, this could actually kill me if this doesn’t work. I was like, maybe I shouldn’t do this.
But then just at that certain point….
The outside becomes really hostile very quickly…. The rain starts kinda shooting in and the wind starts shooting in, the temperature starts changing, and the weather…. the whole atmosphere is like shooting at us…. [audio note: start wind and rain sounds amping up]
And I said “Dude, you better do this now! This looks like some…. like…. It’s happening! The end of the world is happening!”
He goes, “Holy shit!”
So, right as I’m finishing strapping the helmet on and the other two guys hadn’t, and we’re off in the corner of this place now….
Kinda off on this side part, like a walkway that you would use to enter the dining area…. The walkway had solid wood railing walls on both sides.
So we’re in this nook now, sort of hutlled together, sitting down with out knees up by our chests….
And the main guy presses this button and this huge dome comes over the top of this whole inside/outside kinda mansion dinning place.
And as the dome slowly moves into place, the weather is getting more and more and more hostile. (I say slowly but this is all happening very quickly.)
And as this dome is starting to cover completely, I realize…. We’re gonna be frozen for about 10 years, at least.
Until this apocalyptic scenario is over…. and we’re gonna wake up after the end of the world in something new and unknown….
If the entire planet isn’t pulverized to pieces and there is something left and this temperature experiment thing actually saves us. (Which it’s supposed to.) We’re gonna wake up in the future, 10, 20 years later.
I’m realizing all of this in the seconds that everything is happening; the dome is closing, we were starting to freeze and this crazy, crazy storm was getting worse…. We were watching all if this happen at once.
Just about to be saved or killed in this fucking huge dome place…. it looked like it must have been a multi, multi million dollar facility that this guy’s mansion house-thing was.
This guy was just gonna show us for a few minutes how this thing worked and see if it really did, but at the same time this crazy apocalyptic storm started to really happen and now this experiment had to work or else we were all dead.
So we were all ducked down, me and the other guy had our helmets on, the main guy just finishes strapping his helmet up, the storm is raging, the dome is closing, the temperature is dramatically dropping, and just as our whole existence starts fading into a pixelated white unconscious nothingness …. my alarm goes off and I wake up.
That was fucking…. Whoa…
And I know I wouldn’t have remembered that dream, that memory, if my alarm didn’t go off, ’cause I was in a really deep sleep.
And that alarm made me wake up and remember that dream…. So I was gonna have that dream and never remember it.
But I did remember it.
Funny how I always wake up right when I die or go unconscious….
Some people might find that curious.
I don’t.
Not at all.
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11. |
The Paralleladox
08:42
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|||
|
The Paralleladox (09/09/2018)
I just had sleep paralysis.
I was sleeping on my back on the couch,
with my feet towards the door….
Usually I have my head towards the door, so I’m backwards this time.
Maybe that’s a sign.
I was dreaming at first,
I was having a dream that I was over at Dan’s house, and I think Cory was there.
But it wasn’t their normal house.
In the dream,
I had been sleeping there, all night I think…. and I woke up the next day….
But the house was still dark and I was alone….
I had to walk around the house kinda not knowing where I was.
Or knowing that I was at Dan’s house, but not knowing why….
Having this feeling that I was there the night before
and I just was too intoxicated to leave or something…
I wasn’t worried, but I was a little weirded out
Then when I walked into this other room, I saw Cory …. naked,
and Danny…. just sitting there naked….
But instead of dicks, they had second faces. Like they both had their regular faces and then they had another face that looked the same as their regular face, but it was between their legs where their genitals should have been.
But that face was blurred out like they do on TV…. and their genital faces didn’t talk.
And Danny was sitting backwards on a school type chair, like fucking Dwane from What’s Happening- with his legs spread apart… and I could see the blur where his dick should’ve been and I totally knew that it was a face…. his face…. but I didn’t think much of it….. well, I did, but I was acting like I wasn’t bothered by it, like it was natural, even thought I knew it wasn’t. AT ALL.
And they’re just talking to me like that’s not weird or anything.
And Danny was talking to me like the way he does….
Elusively, yet, matter of factly, all wrapped in a guilt trip and covered with backhanded compliments.
And I was like “What the heck was going on last night?”
And they kept eluding to the fact that I was really fucked up and doing messed up things
but they weren’t telling me what I was doing.
And I was kind of playing it off, like “Awe yeah, it’s no big deal, that’s just how i get when I’m wasted…. I don’t know, it was strange….
But they were eluding to the fact that it was something….. worse,
and Danny was slowly getting more upset….
And the whole house was really dark and empty
The lights were out, but we could see where we were going.
And where Danny was, he had candle light. Like a reddish-orange candle lit glow.
It was just really creepy.
And that dream sort of faded out into me thinking about….
kind of feeling like I was awake…. where I was,
but I realized later on that I wasn’t totally awake yet.
But while I was laying there thinking I was awake….
I was thinking that I can actually write this book that I’ve been thinking about writing.
I’ve had in my head that I want to write a book about my experience with this crazy person
and all the shit they’ve been putting me through….
And I was thinking that I could actually write this… I think I know how,
Like I was having creative epiphanies about how to do it,
And as I was thinking about the techniques of writing it- I was slowly waking up….
What I thought was waking up.
But I wasn’t waking up….
I was on my back on the couch, and I knew I was on my back on the couch,
I thought my eyes were open, but they weren’t,
’Cause there was this weird glow in the room and it was creepy, like the one at Danny’s house,
but now I was in my living room.
And I realized that I had sleep paralysis
And that’s when I tried to scream for my mother
who was upstairs in what I thought was “real” reality
I was trying to say “Mom!” “Mom!” and it was coming out like that,
Only I couldn’t tell if I was really saying it or not, I started to not think I was,
‘Cause no one was coming down.
And then I thought I heard something like a TV remote control fall on the floor,
Like I had fallen asleep with it on the couch, and I knocked it off
but I still couldn’t get up and I’m screaming “Mom!” but it’s not coming out,
I’m trying to make a sound and I’m like awake but not awake
And then I thought the dog came down and rubbed up against the couch or something
But I couldn’t break out of this shell of “If I’m even awake or not?”
and if I’m just imagining this or if this is really happening.
Like It seemed like some situation that was real and normal but I didn’t think it was.
I knew that I was laying on my back on the couch in the real reality, but I was also dreaming that I was lying on my back on the couch… I was stuck in two places at once… And I couldn’t break out of either one… I was paralyzed…..
And I was struggling to break through. Struggling to move, struggling to say something.
This must be what it’s like to be in a coma for some people.
Then all of a sudden I finally snapped out of it…. into real reality, not fake nightmare reality. And I made a noise just to know that I could. And it didn’t come out as loud as I thought it would, but it came out…. and I just laid there, exasperated and relieved…. My mom was upstairs, still asleep…. And even though I could yell for her now, I didn’t need too anymore, I knew that I was HERE, FOR REAL. I was unstuck.
And there was a glow but it was a little different than I had thought it was…. It wasn’t creepy here, it was just that electronic glow of random devices that always have to have fucking lights in them, even when you’re sleeping.
And as I laid there piecing my experience together…. I realized that, yes, I WAS laying on my back on the couch, my physical surroundings were mostly the same, but I wasn’t actually saying mom, the remote control did not fall on the floor, and the dog did not come down and rub up against the couch, that was all dream. But the other half was real…. I think that is what creates sleep paralysis… when you get stuck in a particular sliver of a state that is somewhere between waking up…. between leaving the dream-state and becoming conscious in this reality…. being in two places at once. Getting stuck in the between. Frozen. This is what the negative side of eternity can feel like.
But there are good versions of this state or area as well, in fact most of the times I have been in in-between states they have been positive. Where you are in between dreamland and in between reality, but you’re in this strange space where the universal knowledge is really making sense. I’ve come up with some amazing insights and thoughts and stories in that stage…. Ideas for poems and songs. And that’s a great stage, that in-between dream and reality stage. That semi-conscious stage. This is that same place only it’s the nightmare version. That’s what fucking sleep paralysis is. It’s like the inverted version of that semi-conscious stage, where you’re ALSO semi-conscious, but you’re backwards. It’s like bad interdimensional feng shui. The opposite in-between state. You’re fucking frozen in what isn’t even never time. Because time doesn’t exist. And you’re just stuck. That is the most lysergic limbic limbo of a nightmare to be frozen in.
But I’m awake now. And that was sleep paralysis.
And it was fucking scary.
And it lasted for about a minute ,at least,
I mean it felt longer. I’ve had it before. But this time was different.
This time I actually felt like I was making a noise but I wasn’t. I know I wasn’t.
Other times I can’t even make a noise, sometimes I can’t even breathe.
That is one weird scary state of being.
Yawn….
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12. |
Deep Breath
01:29
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Deep Breath (09/09/2018)
I was there again,
I was going INTO the dream state….
But I wasn’t there, I was reaching the in-between stage….
But I woke up, I snapped out of it
To say “Hey!….
I’m going back,
I just wanted to tell you guys that it wasn’t gonna be a nightmare that time,
It wasn’t backwards, it was regular….
I’m going in.
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13. |
||||
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The Tripping Dream Machine at the Psychedelic Yard Sale (02/27/2019)
The atmosphere was overcast but kinda bright. Like overcast colors in dull pastel neon bright.
There was a warm lo-fi breeze. It was beautiful. It was almost like there was a 3 dimensional analog record crackle in the breeze. The breeze was a 3 dimensional analog record crackle. It was like I was playing one of my favorite old worn-out dreams that I never had before in this existence. Yet I’ve played it a million times before in past nows. I’ve never felt so comfortable in any other dream. It was amazing.
So I was in this, I don’t know, it was like a yard sale for art freaks,
But it was also like an office meeting
And I was looking around, plucking sentient details from old wooden junk table gardens.
There were a few of us,
And my high school crush was there.
She had a prominent dominance
And there was this machine kind of off in the corner, but not at all hidden.
It looked like a square glass gum ball machine
But it wasn’t on a pole or anything, it was just sitting on the ground.
It was big enough for people to get inside,
and inside there was this needle on a crane in the center of it
and we would get in and sit around it, and then you would turn it on,
and it was the Tripping Dream Machine.
It would spin your hallucinations into physical manifestations.
They looked like moving, spinning blocks right before your eyes,
They kinda spun like how a plate spinner spins plates,
Like your subconscious was manifesting its emotions and ideas into what looked like children’s wooden blocks spinning on an axis on top of one another. They were all different colors.
You would make it happen automatically but you could also interact with it.
You could put your hand or finger right into one one the spinning blocks
and it would multiply or spin out and disappear through little invisible wormholes and come out somewhere else in the same approximate area.
Kind of like the way something would react in the quantum world, I suppose….
And it was so fucking psychedelic.
We would touch them and they would spin off into nothing and come back somewhere else in the same spot, it was making us laugh like hell. Like we were stoned for the first time on something completely new. Stoned on the experience of a new dimension.
And there was 3 of us in this machine. One of my high school crushes was across from me and someone else was next to me…. and I wanna say it was one of my ex-girlfriends that I loved very much, but I’m not sure.
We were all in this machine and we were all focused on it… Focused on all the spinning blocks that were quantumly reacting at the bottom of this needle on a crane in the center. It felt like all of our combined subconscious energy was manifesting. Combining into different aspects of energy which were materializing and doing different things based on where we were at emotionally while we were in this Tripping Dream Machine. It was like our nervous and sexual and intellectual energy towards each other was physically manifesting right before our eyes into this beautifully psychedelic suspended yet moving sculpture with all of these independent spinning parts. The parts weren’t touching, but they were together at the same time. It was so quantum. The more we focused on it, the more tripping dream blocks we could spin and create and it was fucking awesome. I call it the Tripping Dream Machine but it was like this psychedelic 3D emotion printer. And it printed these oddly shaped wooden blocks. Some were shaped like squares, some circles, some moons, hexagons, all kinds of shapes. Each block was a different color and they spun symmetrically on an axis. Some were stacked spinning 3 blocks high, some 6 blocks high, some 10 bocks high… All randomly in order at the bottom of a needle on a crane. As we sit around poking at it, laughing like hell in this little glass box.
Then, I noticed that my ex-girlfriend was still in the machine next to me, but she was on her side sleeping peacefully. At the same time I realized that, my high school crush and I grabbed each other and started kissing and hugging right in the middle of all the blocks. We became the spinning blocks. We became one with everything in the machine and the needle was simultaneously spinning our subconscious and conscious minds, physically and mentally. The word “hyper-dimensionally” comes to mind. It was some strange combination of energies and it felt so good. Different. Like a new kind of good feeling. I don’t want to say sexual. It was more than sexual. It was psychedelic sexual. Which I can only describe as orgasmic without the dirty aspect. I don’t even think the physicalness of making out was really involved, it was more than that, It was so fucking weird, man. We became the tripping dream machine. We spun pure love in some other dimension. A dimension that can only be reached in dreams or some astral plane.
And then we got out of the machine. We were so…. spinning the craziest tripping blocks ever, that the machine just kinda spun around and broke apart, and….
and we all got out laughing so hard….
We all were like, “That was fucking amazing!” and then here comes Bill with the fucking answering system…. whatever that meant.
Bill from work…. this fucking old guy with a lumpy ass nose
He came over to the psychedelic yard sale for some reason, I guess….
And the Tripping Dream Machine was just broken but we were trying to get in there and fix it again. We were trying to turn it on and it was going around but no one was in it this time and I was like, “see, we can get in there”…. And then my dog Weefer was at the yard sale somewhere…. I could feel her presence, but she wasn’t necessarily Weefer…. I don’t know…
I don’t know what the fuck we were doing….
It was like we were just playing with the universe… in the quantum world….
and all the fun little surreal gadgets the universe has to offer….
And we were doing it in a very etherial type way,
Like we were mixing our emotions with physical aspects and making dream material.
And experimenting with orgasmic mind-bending blocks of multidimensional matter in a hyper-emotional way…. with love….. at a psychedelic yard sale in a neon overcast record crackle breeze. It was fucking awesome.
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14. |
The Whitest White
04:37
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The Whitest White (05/27/1994)
I was 16 in real life. I was also about 16 in where ever I am when I sleep.
I was walking along the sidewalk next to the basketball courts in Belmar. We used to skate there back in the day.
There’s usually an eight foot fence that separates the basketball courts from the sidewalk and the street, but it wasn’t there.
It’s probably the middle of the day…. It’s a nice day…. and there’s a normal amount of cars going up and down the streets.
And I’m walking on the sidewalk towards the train tracks and all of a sudden, I see a car come from around the corner in front of me followed by a police car with the lights and sirens going. The car was like an old 80’s Toyota Corolla or something. They both come wizzing around the corner right towards me. They zoom passed me and the Corolla whips around behind me and drives onto the basketball courts and stops. A guy jumps out and grabs me, puts his arm around my neck and puts a gun to my head. While he’s doing that, the cop jumps out of his car, pulls his gun and aims it at me and the guy who’s holding me hostage.
I mean, this happened in like seconds. Some maniac’s got me in a chokehold with a gun to my head. The cop is like 10 to 15 yards away pointing his gun at us…. and the situation is fucking tense. It happens so quick that no other pedestrians or cars have even stopped to see whats going on yet.
So the cop says Loudly, “PUT THE GUN DOWN!”
The crazy guy holding me says nothing.
He’s just holding me tightly, he’s strong, and his nerves shake us both.
And I really don’t even have time to think of what I can do if I can even do anything….
There is just fear and confusion… I’m just staring at the cop, like what the fuck is happening…..
And then, all of a sudden, everything goes completely white…. The whitest white I have ever seen…. I could feel the white.
It was the purest white accompanied by a warmth and peace.
And slowly…
The whiteness turns to distorted colors that gradually get clearer and clearer as I’m becoming more and more aware, that my eyes are opening, and I finally wake up in my bed on my back looking at the walls of my bedroom.
Shit.
It is at this point when I fully comprehend that I was shot in the head and killed in my dream.
I died. In my dream. And woke up into my current reality.
I didn’t hear a gunshot. I didn’t see or feel or hear anything.
I just remember a cop pointing his gun at me and some crazy guy holding a gun to my head. And then everything turned white.
The fucking guy must have shot me. I died. And woke up… into my life.
This is what taught me that we never really die. We just wake up in other realities. Some form of reincarnation, more of less.
I was always scared to death of death up until this dream. Paralyzed by the fear of what happens after you die.
Now I know that I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen…. but it never ends. And that brings me a tremendous amount of comfort.
Because now I remember….
We always wake up.
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Lxnnnie Belmar, New Jersey
Lxnnnie is an artist, songwriter, and poet from the US. Known for being one of the OG bedroom recording artists of the 90's outsider music community, he has self-released many albums under assorted aliases in multiple genres of music. He's also had songs featured in major motion pictures and produced music for a number of TV commercials. ... more
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