The Paralleladox (09/09/2018)

I just had sleep paralysis.

I was sleeping on my back on the couch,
with my feet towards the door….
Usually I have my head towards the door, so I’m backwards this time.

Maybe that’s a sign.

I was dreaming at first,

I was having a dream that I was over at Dan’s house, and I think Cory was there.

But it wasn’t their normal house.

In the dream,
I had been sleeping there, all night I think…. and I woke up the next day….

But the house was still dark and I was alone….

I had to walk around the house kinda not knowing where I was.
Or knowing that I was at Dan’s house, but not knowing why….
Having this feeling that I was there the night before
and I just was too intoxicated to leave or something…

I wasn’t worried, but I was a little weirded out

Then when I walked into this other room, I saw Cory …. naked,
and Danny…. just sitting there naked….

But instead of dicks, they had second faces. Like they both had their regular faces and then they had another face that looked the same as their regular face, but it was between their legs where their genitals should have been.

But that face was blurred out like they do on TV…. and their genital faces didn’t talk.

And Danny was sitting backwards on a school type chair, like fucking Dwane from What’s Happening- with his legs spread apart… and I could see the blur where his dick should’ve been and I totally knew that it was a face…. his face…. but I didn’t think much of it….. well, I did, but I was acting like I wasn’t bothered by it, like it was natural, even thought I knew it wasn’t. AT ALL.

And they’re just talking to me like that’s not weird or anything.

And Danny was talking to me like the way he does….
Elusively, yet, matter of factly, all wrapped in a guilt trip and covered with backhanded compliments.

And I was like “What the heck was going on last night?”
And they kept eluding to the fact that I was really fucked up and doing messed up things
but they weren’t telling me what I was doing.
And I was kind of playing it off, like “Awe yeah, it’s no big deal, that’s just how i get when I’m wasted…. I don’t know, it was strange….

But they were eluding to the fact that it was something….. worse,
and Danny was slowly getting more upset….

And the whole house was really dark and empty
The lights were out, but we could see where we were going.

And where Danny was, he had candle light. Like a reddish-orange candle lit glow.

It was just really creepy.

And that dream sort of faded out into me thinking about….
kind of feeling like I was awake…. where I was,
but I realized later on that I wasn’t totally awake yet.
But while I was laying there thinking I was awake….
I was thinking that I can actually write this book that I’ve been thinking about writing.

I’ve had in my head that I want to write a book about my experience with this crazy person
and all the shit they’ve been putting me through….
And I was thinking that I could actually write this… I think I know how,
Like I was having creative epiphanies about how to do it,
And as I was thinking about the techniques of writing it- I was slowly waking up….

What I thought was waking up.

But I wasn’t waking up….

I was on my back on the couch, and I knew I was on my back on the couch,
I thought my eyes were open, but they weren’t,
’Cause there was this weird glow in the room and it was creepy, like the one at Danny’s house,
but now I was in my living room.
And I realized that I had sleep paralysis
And that’s when I tried to scream for my mother
who was upstairs in what I thought was “real” reality
I was trying to say “Mom!” “Mom!” and it was coming out like that,
Only I couldn’t tell if I was really saying it or not, I started to not think I was,
‘Cause no one was coming down.
And then I thought I heard something like a TV remote control fall on the floor,
Like I had fallen asleep with it on the couch, and I knocked it off
but I still couldn’t get up and I’m screaming “Mom!” but it’s not coming out,
I’m trying to make a sound and I’m like awake but not awake

And then I thought the dog came down and rubbed up against the couch or something
But I couldn’t break out of this shell of “If I’m even awake or not?”
and if I’m just imagining this or if this is really happening.
Like It seemed like some situation that was real and normal but I didn’t think it was.

I knew that I was laying on my back on the couch in the real reality, but I was also dreaming that I was lying on my back on the couch… I was stuck in two places at once… And I couldn’t break out of either one… I was paralyzed…..

And I was struggling to break through. Struggling to move, struggling to say something.
This must be what it’s like to be in a coma for some people.

Then all of a sudden I finally snapped out of it…. into real reality, not fake nightmare reality. And I made a noise just to know that I could. And it didn’t come out as loud as I thought it would, but it came out…. and I just laid there, exasperated and relieved…. My mom was upstairs, still asleep…. And even though I could yell for her now, I didn’t need too anymore, I knew that I was HERE, FOR REAL. I was unstuck.

And there was a glow but it was a little different than I had thought it was…. It wasn’t creepy here, it was just that electronic glow of random devices that always have to have fucking lights in them, even when you’re sleeping.

And as I laid there piecing my experience together…. I realized that, yes, I WAS laying on my back on the couch, my physical surroundings were mostly the same, but I wasn’t actually saying mom, the remote control did not fall on the floor, and the dog did not come down and rub up against the couch, that was all dream. But the other half was real…. I think that is what creates sleep paralysis… when you get stuck in a particular sliver of a state that is somewhere between waking up…. between leaving the dream-state and becoming conscious in this reality…. being in two places at once. Getting stuck in the between. Frozen. This is what the negative side of eternity can feel like.

But there are good versions of this state or area as well, in fact most of the times I have been in in-between states they have been positive. Where you are in between dreamland and in between reality, but you’re in this strange space where the universal knowledge is really making sense. I’ve come up with some amazing insights and thoughts and stories in that stage…. Ideas for poems and songs. And that’s a great stage, that in-between dream and reality stage. That semi-conscious stage. This is that same place only it’s the nightmare version. That’s what fucking sleep paralysis is. It’s like the inverted version of that semi-conscious stage, where you’re ALSO semi-conscious, but you’re backwards. It’s like bad interdimensional feng shui. The opposite in-between state. You’re fucking frozen in what isn’t even never time. Because time doesn’t exist. And you’re just stuck. That is the most lysergic limbic limbo of a nightmare to be frozen in.

But I’m awake now. And that was sleep paralysis.

And it was fucking scary.
And it lasted for about a minute ,at least,
I mean it felt longer. I’ve had it before. But this time was different.
This time I actually felt like I was making a noise but I wasn’t. I know I wasn’t.
Other times I can’t even make a noise, sometimes I can’t even breathe.

That is one weird scary state of being.

Yawn….